Oh Sh**!

I'm back.  Well at least for one post.  What, you ask, could be so inspiring as to cause me to break my 14 months of silence? Poop. That's right fices.  It's gross and socially unacceptable to talk about but I must.  For all of you who have had close-calls, embarrassing moments, and/or have been stuck on a bus for 8 hours in the middle of the Costa Rican jungle this one's for you.

My story begins with the typical but unpleasant task of taking a drug test.  Now I'm sure most of us have taken drug tests before for various reasons but this one, for me, was because I was starting a new job.  After wasting a considerable amount of time driving around I finally found the actual location of where I was supposed to take the test. By the time I made my way into the building I was definitely ready to relieve myself.  I was also pretty sure that whatever type of cup they gave me was not going to be big enough.  I found a seat in the waiting room and....well...waited. And waited. And waited. My only form of distraction was trying to guess who in the room did or did not have angle bracelets on.  Finally my name was called and I stood up and made my way to the bathroom.  It was only after standing that I realize by this point not only did I have to pee like a race horse but I also had to go #2.  I didn't think much of it, after all I was already on my way to the potty.  Before getting comfortable I liberally applied several layers of toilet tissue to the seat.  My bottom had no sooner touch the crown of the toilet when my body, to it's extensive relief, let go of everything.  And I really do mean everything.  It was almost unnatural the amount of wast that exited my being. While I was still reeling from the shock of what my body had just done I heard a knock at the door.

"Ma'am", the nurse called to me.
"Yes?" I answered ashamed of what I had just transpired.
"Ma'am I forgot to tell you don't flush the toilet when you are done.  By law we have to check it before you leave."

Dear God in heaven what have I done?  A rush of panic raced through my recently emptied body.  Check? CHECK? She is going to SEE MY POO???  I don't know how long I stayed in there, but I'm pretty sure it was too long.  Between the panic and the fumes my head was swimming.  My only option was to run for it.  I frantically washed my hands and went over my escape plan in my head.  I was pretty sure I just needed to hook a right, bust through the double doors, turn left and then race to the parking lot.  I would be gone before the poor nurse even knew what hit her.  There was only one glitch - my purse.  I had to leave it at the nurses station.  For a moment I contemplated leaving it behind but it had my car keys. Crap! "Ok." I though, "I'll just snatch it really fast and then proceed with the plan.  If anything goes awry I'll blame someone with an ankle bracelet." I took a deep breath...oh, oh bad mistake the fumes. With ape like reflexes I swung the door open, snatched my purse, and flew down the hallway.  As I was running I heard the poor nurse gag.